Of course I have critical thinking skills, I’m thinking critically of you right now.

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By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

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It’s so hot out, I just hydroplaned off the toilet seat at work.

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Loving her was my second biggest mistake. Not buying Bitcoins in 2010 still remains the first.

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You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

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“I’m just a girl!” No, you are a monster.

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Fake laughing at work is mentally exhausting. Please just leave me alone.

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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

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I realized being an adult is just feeling too tired to function, and then functioning.

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Girlfriend is temporary, ex-girlfriend is forever.