I invoiced my boss two extra hours for the dream I had about work last night. I’m considering that overtime. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Y’all are single because y’all are looking for 90’s love in this sick generation. Posted onMay 28, 2026
This post is highly top-secret. You need to forget that you’ve seen it immediately. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Dating apps are no place for meeting your soulmate. The best way to find your soulmate is to tweet really good. Posted onMay 28, 2026
“Kiss From a Rose” makes you think Batman Forever is the most romantic movie ever made. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Welcome to college, where every single person is smarter than you, except for the three people in your group project. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Why is everyone’s main goal to get married and have kids? Like, don’t you guys want to do drugs in foreign countries? Posted onMay 28, 2026
Am I the only one who prays about everything? Like, ‘God, please help me find where I dropped my AirPods.’ Posted onMay 28, 2026
So sad. Elvis died before he could see the Lego movie. He woulda been like, ‘Mama, those blocks are movin’ and shakin.’ Posted onMay 28, 2026
I wish people knew how good I can sing when I’m alone in my car and in my shower. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Just a little reminder to laugh as much as you can, stay hydrated, and don’t let shitty people kill your vibe. Posted onMay 28, 2026
When life gives you lemons, take the lemons. They were a gift. Maybe life thought you liked lemons. Did you think about that? No, you’re always thinking about yourself. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Situationships are just you pretending you’re okay with getting used until they find someone they actually like. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The dumbest person you know is being told, “You’re absolutely right!” by ChatGPT. Posted onMay 28, 2026
If you get cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and still participate in family game nights. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Aside from cocaine, has anyone figured out what that little pocket on your jeans is for? Posted onMay 28, 2026
Dating someone from Twitter is like choosing your spouse from a mental hospital. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Our parents are going to be shocked when they find out that most of us are serious about not getting married. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Adulting is difficult. One minute you’re proud of yourself, the next minute you feel like you’re not doing enough. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Look away from your laptop for 1 second, and MS Teams will say you left the country. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The longer I work in corporate, the more I realize… Micromanaging is just insecurity dressed up as leadership. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Fifteen years ago, makeup was all powders and dusts. But now, it’s all goo and liquid. From this, I can infer that by 2040, it will all be made of pigmented gases. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Why is smoking the only addiction jobs give you breaks to do? I should get 15 minutes every hour to cook up some parlays. Posted onMay 28, 2026