Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked, whilst trying to find new people to see you naked. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Parents be like, “I gave you everything I had,” and by everything, they meant the collector’s edition boxed set of mental illness. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Parenting a teenager is surreal because you’ll be sitting there, and some dude who is much taller than you will walk around the corner and ask you how to open a popcorn bag. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I have good problem-solving skills, but my problem-creating skills are where I really shine. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Shoutout to Netflix for being the only one that checks in on me every few hours. “Are you still watching?” Yeah, babe, thank you for asking. Posted onMay 28, 2026
People that ask Grok “Is this true” are the reason our society is getting dumber by the minute. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Welcome to your senior years, where you get mad when they rearrange the grocery store. Posted onMay 28, 2026
You did all that terrible driving just to end up right next to me at the stop light. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Absolutely love wanting to do a lot of things and ending up not doing even one! Yay. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Every morning, the cat watches me make coffee and asks if we can go sit out on the balcony to watch the birds, and every morning I say, yes, of course, let’s. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Needing to rant and not wanting anyone to know your business is such a crazy combo. Posted onMay 28, 2026
What do you even say when someone knocks on your bathroom stall … like, what’s the protocol? Posted onMay 28, 2026
I’d like to know what my dog is thinking as he watches me try one outfit after another while getting ready for a party. Posted onMay 28, 2026
All I’m saying is that porn gives us an unrealistic expectation of how quickly the electrician shows up. Posted onMay 28, 2026
“Grey” is a better spelling than “gray” because “e” is a greyer letter than “a.” I will not elaborate. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The problem with believing that nothing matters except you, is that eventually everyone will just leave you alone to take extra special care of yourself. Posted onMay 28, 2026
At what point in not being able to sleep do I throw the towel in and have a beer, since maybe that will help? Posted onMay 28, 2026