Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

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Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

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If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

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You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

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Ghosting is actually a sign of great respect in my culture.

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If you sweat while you eat, it should count as a workout.

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If you did the weekend right, your coffee needs coffee today.

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My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

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My favorite part of parenting is when they’re asleep.

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One man’s worst nightmare (me) is another man’s peace (also me).

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Dear deodorant manufacturers, please stop writing “72h” on your products. There are people who believe that. And they sit next to me on the bus. Always. All of them!