Patience and forbearance are those qualities you develop when there are too many witnesses.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has bookmarked:

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

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My two moods are eating a breakfast sandwich or wishing I was eating a breakfast sandwich.

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Remember you are dust and, after you send this email, to dust you shall return.

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You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know.

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If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time, the universe will just be like “Lol, nice try, dummy!”

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If you’ve never had a cheeseburger change your mood, you’ve never had a cheeseburger.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has viewed:

Hello! I’m Britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is: I tell you my real surname, then my real forename, then my real surname again, in case you missed it.

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Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

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According to my chocolate advent calendar, tomorrow is Christmas.

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Dating me is super easy. I text you at 8; you reply at 8:00:01.