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"Rule #1 for family reunions: Always be the designated driver and bring your own car; bonus points if it's a getaway vehicle! 🚗💨 Who needs to stay for awkward small talk when you can make a quick exit in style? #FamilyDramaDetour"

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Trending Funny Quotes 👇

My favourite animal is me when I have money.

4 months ago
animal, favorite, favourite, humor, i, me, money, self-love, wealth
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories.

1 month ago
calory, diet, food, humor, i, immunity, pick
Handyman to customer: If I had wanted you to watch me work, I would have become an actor.

1 month ago
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“Are you single?” No, I’m in a hallucinationship.

1 month ago
dating, hallucinationship, humor, joke, love, relationship, single
I’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

1 month ago
dating, ghosted, humor, investigator, paranormal, relationships, resume
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

2 months ago
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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Someone from 🇬🇩 has bookmarked:

Imagine sex with me. No, not like that, you’re doing it all wrong!

Someone from 🇱🇻 has viewed:

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

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You know it’s bad when people start telling you, you are the strongest person they’ve ever met.

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“There’s something beautifully intimate about never speaking to a person again.”

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I wanted to sleep it off, but insomnia said, “Not tonight, buddy.”

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‘Another bombshell has entered the villa!’ I say to myself as I walk in the front door of my own home.

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We seriously need to bring back courting. What the hell is ‘wyd tonight?’ Arrive on a horse and bring flowers like a man.

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Freshly posted on WhatsApp:

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

Just landed via Slack:

Hey, I’ve been thinking, and I think you should think for me.

Going viral on Messenger:

I was feeling kinda lonely this morning so I glued a coffee cup to the top of my car so people would wave at me.

Spotted on Instagram:

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A mustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about.

Just shared via Twitch:

Coolest part about starting a new job is the immunity to disease you get for 3 months till you get sick days.

Shared recently on Facebook:

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.

Just landed via Threads:

How old were you when you realized others couldn’t see the matrix?

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Rule #1 for family reunions: Always bring your own car so you can take off whenever you want.

My favourite animal is me when I have money.

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories.

Handyman to customer: If I had wanted you to watch me work, I would have become an actor.

“Are you single?” No, I’m in a hallucinationship.

I’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones to say I’m a control freak.

Welcome to your 40s. “I’m too old for this shit” is now your excuse and explanation for everything.

Getting paid to sleep would be such a dream job.

Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.

There are only two kinds of people, and I avoid them both.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

I used to love going out with people. Now I weigh the pros and cons of human interaction, like it’s a business decision.

The voodoo magic of a tranquil night’s sleep

The way I see it, eating chips while I wait for my pizza to arrive is no different than ordering a starter in a restaurant.

Phones are wild… we really just sit around tapping glass all day.

I believe in Bigfoot because Bigfoot believes in me.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

You’ll be fighting for your life financially and that’s when all your toiletries finish at the same time.

I know so many people with cats, and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat. Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like, ‘Yeah, he just moved in.’

I don’t need to bring anything to a knife fight, because I don’t go to knife fights.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke.

Why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast? It’s just an onion man, why don’t you relax?

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Every time I want to use a big word that I just know the meaning of, I Google it first, just in case.

“I’m going to try underthinking about a situation, and see if that works.”

Unfortunately, a great many problems in life can be solved by just being hotter.

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

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Rule #1 for family reunions: Always bring your own car so you can take off whenever you want.

Related Funny Posts 🤝

My favourite animal is me when I have money.

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories.

Handyman to customer: If I had wanted you to watch me work, I would have become an actor.

“Are you single?” No, I’m in a hallucinationship.

I’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

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