Some 100 private jets will fly to Venice for Jeff Bezos’ wedding, and I recycle yoghurt cup lids.

55 shares on Instagram this month:

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

35 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know.

30 shares on Instagram this month:

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency!

22 shares on Pinterest this month:

AI could never steal company time the way I do.

64 shares on YouTube this month:

If a door closes, you can just open it again. That is a door. Doors work like this.

11 shares on Discord this month:

No more looking back in anger. It’s time to look forward in anger.

16 shares on Threads this month:

I’m on this new diet where I don’t consume anything that talks to me before the first coffee.

46 shares on Threads this month:

No ChatGPT for me, thanks. I will be asking Liam Gallagher on Twitter.

38 shares on Instagram this month:

When I don’t have money, I stop talking to women out of respect.

59 shares on Messenger this month:

Getting an extra 20 minutes in the day when someone cancels a meeting is like finding a penny on the ground. Not gonna use it for anything, but wow, am I excited.