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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇸🇿 has downloaded:

You can eat cheesecake for breakfast if you want to. No one can stop you. The police can’t even stop you.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has shared:

Me: I have a cut under my fingernail. Universe: Excellent, I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has downloaded:

There are two types of people: those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has downloaded:

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has downloaded:

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform.

Someone from 🇧🇫 has bookmarked:

Imagine if you spent all your time studying, actually studying.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has viewed:

Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.

Someone from 🇮🇸 has shared:

What beautiful weather outside. I’m gonna close the curtains.

Someone from 🇩🇯 has downloaded:

If I were an organ, I’d fail.

Someone from 🇸🇻 has bookmarked:

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Discord:

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

Trending via Slack:

Asking my landlord if he has any Cyber Monday deals.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

Can drunk people actually not control their actions or is it just an excuse to do some crazy stuff?

Making waves on Discord:

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

Shared recently on Twitch:

Getting emotional thinking about everything SpongeBob has been through and his resilience despite it all.

Breaking via Telegram:

Math is like Chinese to me.

Shared recently on YouTube:

Hear me out, a Q-Tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away.

Trending via Telegram:

I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.

Shared recently on Messenger:

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. It can’t just be the one guy. It’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper.

Going viral on X:

And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.

Spending money on disappointing food is a different type of pain.

1 week ago

Funny Quotes

Funny quote about the pain of wasting money on bad food.

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Commentary:
Relatable trauma: my wallet and taste buds filing a joint complaint 🍽️💸😫

different, disappointment, eating, food, humor, money, pain, spending, type

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21 shares on X this month:

I’m officially at the age where my favorite thing to do is sit down.

18 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Just saw onto the sidelines, they literally have enough footballs for all the players, they’re making them fight over that one for no reason.

34 shares on Slack this month:

Every citizen over 18 should be eligible to be drafted into the Postal Service.

65 shares on Telegram this month:

Biblical loophole: It’s not premarital sex if you never intend to get married.

47 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I’m not going to die because of an accident. Nor because of an illness. But from small talk. Someone will say one boring sentence too many and I’ll drop dead.

38 shares on Facebook this month:

I have the body of a god. Sadly, it’s Buddha after brunch.

13 shares on X this month:

You didn’t lock in hard enough if you’re not feeling asexual.

10 shares on Instagram this month:

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999.

36 shares on Snapchat this month:

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

63 shares on Instagram this month:

Sugar held my hand through every breakup.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇨 has copied:

Sometimes life is like a cowshed. You step from one turd into the next.

Someone from 🇲🇬 has viewed:

The year I was born, getting a little far on that little scrolly thing.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has copied:

A recent study showed that people who are reading this text thought they were learning something useful.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has downloaded:

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has bookmarked:

Reverse cowgirl is not a fair trade because, why do you get a view of my sexy back, and all I’m seeing are your toes throwing gang signs?

Someone from 🇺🇸 has downloaded:

Please don’t celebrate April Fool’s day if you’re not a fool. My culture is not your costume.

Someone from 🇵🇱 has copied:

Memes are the most information-dense form of communication.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has copied:

The cashier said, “Have a good day,” but she doesn’t mean it.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has copied:

I lied, there’s no sex. I just need you to change the batteries in my smoke detectors.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has bookmarked:

January feels like a schizophrenic episode.

Social Media Log 💫

Spreading quickly via Threads:

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone, like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something.

Going bananas on Telegram:

Horoscope: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Broadcasted on Reddit:

Drilling for oil is well boring.

Seen just now on Slack:

I don’t think inside the box and I don’t think outside the box. I don’t even know where the box is.

Trending via Snapchat:

Sometimes I say “huh,” then answer the question before you can repeat your question.

Spreading quickly via LinkedIn:

“Dairy Queen” is actually the perfect drag name.

Making waves on Telegram:

I love when someone texts “hey,” like I’m supposed to solve the rest.

Breaking via Messenger:

Missionary, so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

Going bananas on WhatsApp:

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

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Spending money on disappointing food is a different type of pain.

What would boomers do without their paper shredder?

I bet there’s a couple of seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

They need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis.

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Spending money on disappointing food is a different type of pain.

Keep the laugh going 😂

What would boomers do without their paper shredder?

I told a joke during a Zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

I bet there’s a couple of seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

They need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis.

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

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