Spotify wrapped is like my annual mental health report and it’s getting worse by each passing year.

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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘I don’t know how to hold a pencil.’

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Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

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You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

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Hey, sorry I acted weird the other day. I was trying so hard to act normal that it backfired.

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Adulting is realizing you can’t skip work like you skipped school.

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I’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. The sun will go down and I’ll be like: “Wow… remember when the sun was up… I miss who I was then”

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Odd—my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation.

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If I was on Love Island, I would get wasted and drown in the pool, altering the course of every contestant’s life forever.

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Movie date at my house, but we use pirated sites and spend all night closing pop-ups.

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People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.