Stranger: Your children are angels. Me: So was the devil.

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My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then do the exact opposite of what I just said.

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My search history is filled with me googling regular words just to make sure I’m using them right.

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Nobody rots in bed like I do.

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The hottest thing a man can do is exactly what he said he was going to.

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If you are influenced by influencers, you’re beyond retarded.

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I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day.

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Lois Lane said, “Clark?” like she didn’t just make out with that same jawline in spandex twelve hours ago.

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My favorite part of The Godfather is when the guy wakes up and screams because the Mafia has stolen the bottom half of the horse he keeps in his bed.

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If you have children, you can experience all human emotions before 9 a.m. on Sundays.

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I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different than before.