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"Ah, the power of sibling rivalry combined with some strategic sleepy deception! 🌙🎶 Who knew that music practice could be the ultimate alarm clock for the entire household? 😜🎻 #ParentingWin"

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Imagine you blocked me, and I crawled out from under your couch to ask why.

1 month ago
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Welcome to your 50s: You’re not attracted to anyone who likes you.

1 month ago
50s, attraction, dating, humor, likes, relationships, self-awareness, welcome
You’re in his DMs, so am I, but I am way funnier.

1 month ago
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Stress in private, complain on Twitter, happy in public.

4 months ago
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I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

1 month ago
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I always figure it out on my own, I just need to panic first.

1 week ago
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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Someone from 🇲🇭 has downloaded:

People see me spending money and think I’m rich. No, bro, I’m just irresponsible.

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Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot.

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“But it’s summer,” is going to be my excuse for everything from now until the end of September.

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Nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping.

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All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

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I typed my name into Google’s search bar and it immediately auto-filled to “Doesn’t even listen to instructions” before crashing under the weight of disappointed search results.

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Journaling was the most useless thing l ever attempted. Not only am I still suffering but now there’s evidence.

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Freshly posted on Pinterest:

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

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The first thing you need to know about social media is that everyone’s on vacation, except for you.

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Well, I’ve been depressed and poor, but sure, we’ll call it intermittent fasting.

Going bananas on Instagram:

Fun like a LinkedIn notification.

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I usually decompose after work rather than decompress.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside, that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Just landed via Facebook:

I’ve had 50 birthdays in a row without being arrested, which I’d say is an impressive streak!

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Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

Imagine you blocked me, and I crawled out from under your couch to ask why.

Welcome to your 50s: You’re not attracted to anyone who likes you.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

I always figure it out on my own, I just need to panic first.

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The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout.

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.

Whatever you ask the Universe for under this post, you will get next week.

Stop normalizing things, we’ll run out of the weird shit.

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Slipping into something more comfortable, another dimension.

Just did several sets of some bullshit at the gym… no idea which muscles have been targeted.

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You want me to attend a work meeting? The thing that killed Julius Caesar?

That moment when you clean the apartment and a year later everything is dirty again.

There is no bigger lie than “fun for the whole family”.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Only a couple more days until I come home and pretend I forgot about Valentine’s Day.

Maybe the reason we weren’t that affected by all the violence we saw in cartoons as kids is because it was offset by classical music.

Because it is Friday, I will allow one beautiful woman to invite me for drinks.

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

Should be able to shazam the inner yearnings of my heart.

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Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

Related Funny Posts 🤝

Imagine you blocked me, and I crawled out from under your couch to ask why.

Welcome to your 50s: You’re not attracted to anyone who likes you.

You’re in his DMs, so am I, but I am way funnier.

Stress in private, complain on Twitter, happy in public.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

I always figure it out on my own, I just need to panic first.

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