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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇵🇦 has shared:

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

Someone from 🇱🇮 has copied:

Dating again after you break up with a long-term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again, except with less health.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has copied:

Get off the apps. Sleep with someone in your friend group. Add an awkward tension every time you hang out with them.

Someone from 🇰🇪 has downloaded:

I thought I had more straws. Sorry, turns out that was the last one.

Someone from 🇹🇼 has shared:

No revenge, because I don’t even remember what happened.

Someone from 🇸🇨 has viewed:

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research, thanks.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has viewed:

At 20, I was unstoppable; at 30, I’m just unstartable.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has shared:

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has downloaded:

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience?

Someone from 🇹🇲 has viewed:

Biting your tongue while eating is a perfect example of how you can still screw up, even with decades of experience.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Just shared via Discord:

I let people skate. I never mention the ice is thin.

Going bananas on Pinterest:

Autumn is when men run around like it’s summer and women like it’s winter.

Spreading quickly via Messenger:

This email could’ve been sex.

Just landed via X:

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

Breaking via Snapchat:

Could someone please come over here and be the adult? I’m too tired.

Freshly posted on X:

A girl can casually just say something, and you already know you’re not going to date or marry her.

Seen just now on Telegram:

If the math problems are too difficult for me, I post them online and write: “Only 1 in 10 can solve this problem.”

Seen just now on Slack:

An adventure and a dragon would cure me.

Spotted on Reddit:

Breaking News: Jenny on Facebook is having salad for dinner tonight.

Spotted on Reddit:

I love how my brain is like, “We’re not going to think about that,” and then thinks about only that.

The amount of family secrets you uncover as you get older is wild.

6 days ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous text about discovering surprising family secrets as you age.

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Commentary:
When you realize your family has more plot twists than a soap opera 😂🧬📚

aging, amount, discovery, family, humor, older, secret, secrets, wild

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73 shares on Messenger this month:

I tried to embrace my flaws. They filed a restraining order.

27 shares on Reddit this month:

It always takes me an hour to get ready. 45 minutes for doing nothing and 15 hectic minutes for the rest.

11 shares on Facebook this month:

Girls these days are like a box of chocolates. Some have nuts.

37 shares on WeChat this month:

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

78 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Do you ever stress about money, then accidentally order from Amazon?

79 shares on X this month:

I’m always sad when my sandwich is over.

36 shares on Threads this month:

What a time to be alive! (Derogatory)

38 shares on WeChat this month:

My showers take so long because I always hold a shower concert.

29 shares on Snapchat this month:

Arab perfumes have zero chill… the entire street knows you’ve arrived.

24 shares on Discord this month:

I wonder if this next thunderstorm is thinking of me, too.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇬🇾 has viewed:

I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen what happens when they get elected.

Someone from 🇸🇾 has downloaded:

My favorite yoga pose is reaching for the remote control on the far end of the table without falling off the couch.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has downloaded:

I think social media is marvellous. You type your thoughts into it, and then insane people let you know if they like them or not.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has bookmarked:

Given the amount of clowns around here, you’d think it would be more entertaining.

Someone from 🇧🇮 has downloaded:

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week.

Someone from 🇰🇭 has shared:

Mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’

Someone from 🇭🇹 has copied:

Going to the beach as a feet guy must be insane.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has bookmarked:

“Love is in the air.” Wrong. Microplastics.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has viewed:

My ideal man is a kindhearted little freak.

Someone from 🇰🇷 has shared:

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time.

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Snapchat:

Teaching myself ukulele! Neighbor keeping the beat on my wall!

Going bananas on Pinterest:

An interviewer asked me how well I can perform under pressure; I said I’m much better at Bohemian Rhapsody.

Freshly posted on Telegram:

Every guy wants to be called Daddy till that test comes back positive.

Live now on Instagram:

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar.

Just landed via Pinterest:

I can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress.

Making waves on X:

You should always wear a helmet when doing dangerous things or talking about politics.

Shared recently on Twitch:

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

Going bananas on Threads:

“The Nightmare Before Christmas” just means, January 1st – December 24th.

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Activity Log ✨

The amount of family secrets you uncover as you get older is wild.

Having a sore throat as a giraffe must really suck.

Happy new fear!

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

I thought Game of Thrones was a pooping contest for men.

The most attractive thing a man can do is hitting his own head and repeating “stupid, stupid, stupid”.

I’m capable of doing a lot of things but listening to people chew their food is not one of them.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

The amount of family secrets you uncover as you get older is wild.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Having a sore throat as a giraffe must really suck.

Happy new fear!

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

I thought Game of Thrones was a pooping contest for men.

The most attractive thing a man can do is hitting his own head and repeating “stupid, stupid, stupid”.

I’m capable of doing a lot of things but listening to people chew their food is not one of them.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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