The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower.

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I like to put “No DMs” in my bio to pretend that I’m attractive.

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Sorry, the deadline for complaints was yesterday.

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I’d trust a groundhog over a weatherman any day.

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I spend half the day wondering if it’s too late for coffee and the other half wondering if it’s too early for alcohol.

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Unfortunately, I’m gonna have to cancel my appointment at a sperm bank. I will just call them and say I can’t come.

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True friends don’t judge each other, they judge other people… together.

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I could have been the favorite mistress of the Sun King at Versailles, but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism.

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I’m glad cars were invented. Imagine riding a horse at 3am coming back from the club.

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I’m a yapper. I’m a napper. I’m a midnight snacker.

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Ugh, those red and blue flashing lights are interfering with my driving and scrolling.