The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

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Concert tickets should be 75% off if the artist is really super special to you.

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We can do things one of two ways. My way or my other way.

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I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels.

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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

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Money talks, and also waves goodbye.

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I made coffee and carried it to the couch. I’ve done everything I had planned for this Sunday.

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Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

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Nobody could stop me if I wasn’t tired all the time.

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Watched Titanic for the 14th time. Still sobbing. Still yelling, “SCOOT OVER, COW!” like it’ll change the ending.

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Those astronauts that just landed? They should be greeted by chimpanzees on horses.