There should be a withering shamrock emoji so that people can express misfortune or Irish grief.

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If you say “awesome sauce” on a first date, you’ll still have that lucky condom in your wallet tomorrow.

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I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist, and inside… my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

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Boyfriend hasn’t accepted my LinkedIn request yet. He doesn’t want to connect. He doesn’t want to build.

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My favorite part about going camping is the part where I stay at home, and I don’t go camping.

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Every time I stand up, my dog gets excited as hell. He understands that I’m a real man who can make shit happen at any given moment.

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“Tom Cruise does his own stunts!” Okay cool, but so do I.

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Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working.

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I’ve surpassed the need for coffee, for I have evolved into a higher state of awesome.

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I don’t need the web for attention, I jog in a wedding dress.

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Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life. It’s science.