Thursday is really unnecessary. Today could’ve been Friday.

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Some people’s high horses are actually donkeys.

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I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

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At the strip club sighing until one of the dancers asks me what’s wrong.

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Sex is like tacos. I wish I were having some now.

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My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

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Maybe your baby is crying because it doesn’t like you.

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Old people be like “no elbows on the table, it’s rude” then say something racist.

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Some people are wise; some are otherwise.

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Just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do.

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I should have peed before I left, and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir