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Eating cold ravioli counts as breakfast if you’re still wearing yesterday’s clothes.

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It sucks when a woman realizes that her knight in shining armor was actually just a moron wrapped in tinfoil.

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My ex had this fetish where he would dress up in his own clothes and act like an idiot.

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Job interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time?” Me: “My greatest strength is that I’m a good listener.”

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All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough.

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Being an adult is getting excited about buying new appliances.

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I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

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Most puns make me feel numb, but math puns make me feel number.

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Pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian.

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Kids don’t love anything as much as they love arguing with each other.