Tonight, the moon is staring at me.

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I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

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Thinking of starting a true crime podcast. Gotta explain this search history somehow.

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I survived a Monday, and for what? Tuesday? Disgusting.

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People who cook breakfast before going to work are too mature for me.

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I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

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At least 80% of my day is spent holding back my inappropriate thoughts.

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Every morning, the cat watches me make coffee and asks if we can go sit out on the balcony to watch the birds, and every morning I say, yes, of course, let’s.

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My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

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The older I get, the more I understand why Grumpy Old Men exist.

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The best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello, please fill out these forms!”