Unfortunately, I do enjoy watching the downfall of people who did me wrong.

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I’m proud of myself because, despite having so many expenses, I still manage to add more.

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In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

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My boss told me to show initiative, so I decided to finish work early.

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Best lie you heard was eat all your food so you can be big and strong. Now look at you. Just big.

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At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

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Sorry I’m late. I was in the car waiting for my song to end.

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You ever feel awkward in Target, cause you know you belong at Walmart.

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They should invent a January that doesn’t drain your will to live.

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I wish I could throw tomatoes at comments.

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My mama didn’t raise a quitter, she raised a burnt out perfectionist who is sometimes bludgeoned into settling for mediocrity.