When I quit my job I’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

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Glasses don’t make you look smart, everyone knows you had to fail a test to get them.

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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

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Don’t you hate it when you offer help and the other person says yes?

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Inventing the Grinch: “Santa needs a Wario!”

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Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

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Apart from “It’s okay”, what other death threats do women use?

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My hobbies include adding things to my cart, and never buying them.

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Facebook friends are like pens. You may have 150, but only 5 are writing.

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You need a twins name suggestion? How about Kate and DupliKate?

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Sane is boring.