Who would have thought that eating a can of beans would backfire like this?

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I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

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Hey, we’re calling off the search party. We found a different guy out there we like more.

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Gonorrhea would’ve been a great name for diarrhea medicine.

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If I get rid of social media, how will I know what everyone ate for dinner?

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Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

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To be blocked is to be seen and to be seen is to be loved.

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You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

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Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”.

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If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it.

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The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter.