Work is the worst video game ever.

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There is nothing an orgasm can’t fix, I have researched it extensively.

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I will play my favorite song until the artist comes out of my phone to ask for water.

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Women watch Netflix with subtitles because they don’t know how to listen.

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The word synergy sounds like a mix of the words sin and energy. Like, to be debauched but to do it with flair and zest.

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It’s almost time to pack away the black summer clothes and unpack the black winter clothes.

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90% of the things I worry about never happen. Worrying seems to be working.

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A babysitter is a teenager who acts like an adult while the adults go out to act like teenagers.

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Reverse cowgirl so he doesn’t see the double chin.

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FaceTiming me is for platinum members only.

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Getting older is sexy. You moan more.