You’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys, maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”.

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I did nothing wrong. I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

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I don’t have a favourite person, but I do have a favourite cheese.

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Two mysterious people live in my house. “Somebody” and “Nobody.” Somebody did it and nobody knows who.

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I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party. It was a twerk-place injury.

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If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa, you get a Jason Mimosa.

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Guilty pleasure? Why would I ever feel guilty about pleasure.

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Next to nothing is a weird place.

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Working out consistently yields results, but mannnnnnn…… the laundry.

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Your secret is safe with me because I don’t care.

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I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.