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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇵🇼 has bookmarked:

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car, looking at your watch, and waiting for everybody else to come out.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has bookmarked:

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.

Someone from 🇲🇬 has downloaded:

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude, you aren’t the one paying for it. Stop!

Someone from 🇳🇪 has bookmarked:

Caffeine: the adult version of fairy dust.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has copied:

You want me to sit in the back seat? The thing that killed JFK?

Someone from 🇿🇼 has copied:

Sorry to interrupt your scrolling, but I hope life gets better for you.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has downloaded:

Every citizen over 18 should be eligible to be drafted into the Postal Service.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has viewed:

As president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password.

Someone from 🇪🇸 has bookmarked:

If we’re living in a dystopian nightmare, where the hell is my housekeeping robot?

Someone from 🇯🇵 has viewed:

I thought my mixed signals were perfectly clear.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

Users Online

3,438

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Instagram:

God knew I would be too powerful if I had conversation skills.

Breaking via X:

Two mysterious people live in my house. “Somebody” and “Nobody.” Somebody did it and nobody knows who.

Live now on Telegram:

And once again my day begins without a red carpet! Guys, I’m really disappointed in you.

Spreading quickly via Pinterest:

Enjoy it now because you’re only going to get older and fatter.

Going bananas on YouTube:

Don’t talk to me while my earphones are in, man, I’m at a concert.

Going viral on Messenger:

At some point, my colleagues will manage to get me my own true crime documentary on Netflix.

Going viral on Messenger:

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”.

Making waves on LinkedIn:

Shazam, but for whatever the hell goes on in the apartment upstairs.

Spotted on WeChat:

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder.

Going viral on Reddit:

I don’t need a fancy watch to tell me I’m not fit one bit.

You’d think, with the amount of overthinking I do, I’d make the right decision.

3 weeks ago

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Commentary:
Sounds like my brain deserves a refund for all those extra processing fees 😂🤔💭

amount, decision, humor, i, ID, irony, overthinking, right, self-reflection, think

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72 shares on Telegram this month:

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

20 shares on Twitch this month:

I miss when The Weeknd was making sex-addict-on-drugs music.

86 shares on Threads this month:

The neighbor girl told my kids she wouldn’t come over until they cleaned their rooms, so I guess I do have a favorite child.

59 shares on YouTube this month:

There’s nothing that I hate more than a failed nap attempt.

44 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Life is short, flirt with me!

57 shares on Threads this month:

I’m the type of idiot to be loyal during the talking stage.

13 shares on YouTube this month:

“Where did all your money go?” I’m either wearing it or eating it.

51 shares on Discord this month:

I’m cold! That’s not goose bumps anymore, that’s woodchip wallpaper.

13 shares on Reddit this month:

To cut the long story short, I have spent all my money.

97 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Don’t ever let your computer feel that you’re in a hurry, cause they’re gonna slow down more.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇱 has copied:

The worst thing about being an adult is that you have to be one every single day.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has bookmarked:

You know when a donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking? That’s what it’s like having kids.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has shared:

They should have a special lane for texting and driving.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has shared:

Every morning, the cat watches me make coffee and asks if we can go sit out on the balcony to watch the birds, and every morning I say, yes, of course, let’s.

Someone from 🇦🇪 has viewed:

“Stalking”. God forbid I have access to public information and know how to utilize my resources.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has viewed:

It’s healthy to be a little insane sometimes.

Someone from 🇺🇸 has downloaded:

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not dying, it’s just Thursday.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has bookmarked:

My couch better stop looking at me like that, it knows exactly what it’s doing.

Someone from 🇨🇷 has copied:

If I had my Pinterest wardrobe, I would be unstoppable.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has bookmarked:

Drugs don’t ruin lives. Drug tests do.

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Twitch:

McDonald’s will “anything else” you to death. Can you wait a McMinute?

Live now on WhatsApp:

I can’t believe we live in the timeline where we invented a technology to make it so we can never trust a photo or video again.

Going viral on Instagram:

“Huh” is 94% of my vocabulary.

Live now on Facebook:

Having to pay to read scientific and scholarly articles is a really disgusting and pathetic practice.

Going viral on YouTube:

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway.

Just shared via Twitch:

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

Going viral on YouTube:

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies. Worth every penne.

Breaking via X:

I wish I could turn everyone I love into a trinket, so I can keep them forever, because I am greedy and selfish.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

Some people are wise, some folks are otherwise.

Making waves on Reddit:

Ironically, the Internet was invented to save time.

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Activity Log ✨

You’d think, with the amount of overthinking I do, I’d make the right decision.

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point.

Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work.“

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

You’d think, with the amount of overthinking I do, I’d make the right decision.

Keep the laugh going 😂

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list that I was making, and now, I can’t read anything.

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point.

Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work.“

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨