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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇹 has copied:

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has bookmarked:

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

Someone from 🇹🇹 has viewed:

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has copied:

The sweet potato is the kindest vegetable.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has downloaded:

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has copied:

Never underestimate my ability to stare out a window and not speak for hours on a car ride.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has viewed:

At least 80% of my day is spent holding back my inappropriate thoughts.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has downloaded:

Not now, I’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has copied:

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has bookmarked:

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example, I learned I should have married someone else.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

0 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,269

Funny Quotes Topics

17,387

Funny Quotes Images

15,269

Updated

Dec 31, 2025

Users Online

3,232

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on TikTok:

Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say “I know it’s hard, but you’ll be okay. Here’s a coffee and a million dollars.”

Going viral on Pinterest:

Nothing prepared me for how much of my adult life would be spent hiding from people I know at the grocery store.

Broadcasted on Messenger:

Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 10+ personalities?

Freshly posted on Instagram:

Just got diagnosed with needing a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows.

Live now on Facebook:

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

Making waves on Twitch:

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanism” and it’s like “Okay, not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny!”

Shared recently on Telegram:

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service? Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.

Just shared via Telegram:

I’ve learned my lesson so many times that I could be a teacher.

Spreading quickly via Facebook:

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

Just shared via Messenger:

Just gave my boyfriend an incorrect direction in the car, and he sighed and muttered to himself, “Never assign to malice what can be attributed to incompetence.”

Your card declining when you know you have money is a very funny experience.

5 months ago

Download image ↓

Commentary:
When your card declines and you secretly wonder if it went on a spontaneous vacation without you 😂💳✈️

banking, card, decline, embarrassment, experience, finance, Funny, funny experience, humor, know, money, payment

Trending Funny Quotes 👇

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like.

0

2 months ago

after, away, back, back to work, co-workers, coworkers, family, holiday, humor, office, relatif, sarcasm, weekend, work
The only constant in my life are the accidental screenshots of my lock screen.

0

2 months ago

accidental, constant, humor, life, lock, lock screen, screen, screenshot, technology
This is not an empty room, this is a very successful anti-party.

0

2 months ago

anti-party, empty, empty room, event, gathering, humor, irony, joke, room, social, social event, success
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

0

2 months ago

anything, chaos, family, full, house, humor, kids, live, parenting, people
Drunk me promising you anything is the equivalent of a politician giving their manifesto … it’s not gonna happen.

0

5 months ago

anything, commitment, drunk, equivalent, exaggeration, giving, happen, humor, manifesto, me, politician, promise, sarcasm, unreliability
I always work very hard and intensively to ensure that my wife can proudly say: “That idiot over there? Yes, that’s mine!”

0

2 months ago

always, hard, hard work, humor, i, idiot, joke, marriage, mine, over, pride, relationship, say, wife, work, yes

New Funny Quotes

🎲 Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

🎉🥂 New Year Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

25 shares on Instagram this month:

One minute you’re young and fun, and the next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

24 shares on Discord this month:

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item.

55 shares on Snapchat this month:

A big part of my job as a parent is moving things away from the edges of countertops.

24 shares on Slack this month:

Some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now I have to worry about Monday.

63 shares on Discord this month:

Sometimes uncontrollable laughter is all you need to get the millions of thoughts out of your head.

56 shares on Discord this month:

“I’m at a point in my life where I don’t go anywhere unless I absolutely have to.”

72 shares on WeChat this month:

Just because you are unique, doesn’t mean you are useful.

13 shares on Twitch this month:

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

60 shares on YouTube this month:

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like “divorce is strong in this one”.

46 shares on Reddit this month:

Sometimes happiness is just having a good night’s sleep.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇻 has copied:

Started from the bottom and I’m still ain’t shit.

Someone from 🇸🇩 has viewed:

I can’t watch Sex and the City anymore, because I get really upset at how much money these ladies have.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has viewed:

I’m sorry for the things I said when there were too many noises at the same time.

Someone from 🇦🇲 has copied:

I’d like to place an order for a large kiss and an extra-long hug.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has viewed:

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!” I was taken aback, what a weird way to start a conversation.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has copied:

Whoops, lost myself for about eight years there.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has bookmarked:

If I were to “picture everybody in the room naked,” I would be stunned and in awe of the beauty and diversity of the human form before me. But thanks for the advice.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has shared:

Opening the web before 9am is crazy. Like, did you even try to have a good day?

Someone from 🇨🇦 has shared:

Don’t fall for me — I’ll treat you right, and you’ll get bored and cheat.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has bookmarked:

What is the morning wood equivalent for women, and why do I always have it?

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on LinkedIn:

Jokes on you, unknown number. I barely answer my phone for people I know.

Trending via Reddit:

It’s been so long since I had sex last, went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Going bananas on Discord:

Yes, I sometimes put my cell phone down. Especially when it rings.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

What’s really missing is a day between Saturday and Sunday.

Just shared via Instagram:

Every morning I regret why I didn’t sleep earlier the night before.

Trending via Telegram:

Nature is fascinating. A dandelion makes it through concrete, while I get my head stuck in my sweater in the morning.

Live now on Slack:

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

Trending via Reddit:

Too shy for influencing. Too dumb for crypto. Too honest for a scam. Too lazy for 9-5. How can I make money?

Just landed via LinkedIn:

Men call us “gold diggers” when we expect them to pay for a meal. Honey, a gold digger goes after yachts, not a piece of chicken.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Your card declining when you know you have money is a very funny experience.

Related Funny Quotes 🤝

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like.

The only constant in my life are the accidental screenshots of my lock screen.

This is not an empty room, this is a very successful anti-party.

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Drunk me promising you anything is the equivalent of a politician giving their manifesto … it’s not gonna happen.

I always work very hard and intensively to ensure that my wife can proudly say: “That idiot over there? Yes, that’s mine!”

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨