You’re always bitching about your alarm clock, but put yourself in his shoes. The first thing he sees in the morning is your face.

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I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesn’t play the song I want.

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Not a religious man but I do say a short prayer whenever I open a gas station restroom door.

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I don’t make mistakes, I date them.

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“Well at least I don’t have to wake up any more.” Is what I want my tombstone to say.

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I’m the ick in fantastic.

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The real challenge of adulthood is figuring out what to eat every day.

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The older I get, the less surprised I’d be if a random body part just fell off one day.

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That awkward moment you can’t understand what somebody is saying after they have repeated it about five times.

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They call it a coffin because they’re finally coughing up that inheritance.

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The Scream movies were believable in the ’90s, but no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore.