You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

90 shares on Telegram this month:

Gimme coffee or I’ll sleep amok!

80 shares on Discord this month:

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

71 shares on Instagram this month:

Stretching my back isn’t enough; I need to take out my spine and wring it out like a towel.

63 shares on TikTok this month:

Cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray.

45 shares on Discord this month:

One thing nobody gives pigeons enough credit for is their ability to get out of the way on the sidewalk. A lot of you could learn a thing or two from them.

61 shares on Snapchat this month:

Rule number 1 at a concert: Don’t sing while filming!

72 shares on Pinterest this month:

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

93 shares on Telegram this month:

Note to self: Very important! First hang up, then insult.

64 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites, so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me.

87 shares on Pinterest this month:

I’m doing a terrific job of not getting anything done today.