Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day.

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Sorry for widening my eyes and whispering “The prophecy” when we first met.

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Start each day with a positive thought, like: “I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours.”

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Googling what ASAP means, and having a panic attack.

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I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

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This pillow isn’t going to scream into itself.

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You are not in a situationship. You are texting a man who doesn’t like you.

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She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my sandwich maker.

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The worst thing about wearing headphones is when you hallucinate people shouting you. Like, why does this happen?

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I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes.

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Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad: “Wait in the truck.”