The only lesson I remember from the pandemic is that you’re only supposed to wash your hands if it’s your birthday.

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Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi, nice to meet you, could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

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My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

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If you’re a dude and you’re having a bad day, just remember, no one cares.

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I think my type is a nice person.

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I would go out of my mind, but I can’t find the exit.

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Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”. The library?

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If I were a bird, I know who I’d poop on.

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Are you spaghetti because I want you to meat my balls?

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Always remember you’re someone’s reason to smile. Because you’re a joke.

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Time needs a speed limit.