Calm yourself, Lucifer. You did the right thing coming to me for advice.

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On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

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I’m just so lazy because I’m still recovering from the fact that I used to be the fastest sperm.

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Real introverts are too introverted to tell people they’re introverts.

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Once you’ve been single for a long time, you realize how exhausting relationships can be.

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Accidentally wore a blue shirt to Walmart and now I’m in the stockroom showing Sue how to use the forklift.

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You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

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To save money in this economy, I’ve tried eating out and I’ve tried cooking at home. The answer is starvation.

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The early bird gets to cry for a little bit longer in the work parking lot.

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I don’t even know who’s famous anymore.

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You are not in a situationship. You are texting a man who doesn’t like you.