My favorite machine at the gym is the one where you put change in, and snacks come out.

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I never wanted to become one of those adults who just find the music of the younger generation annoying. Nobody could have guessed that the music was just annoying.

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Microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie.

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There are no laws against pineapples on pizza.

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Choosing to ignore my strangely symbolic dream because I have a lot going on right now already.

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Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

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Please no more relationships that are supposed to be a lesson. I’m already quite the scholar.

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My favorite part of leaving the house is looking forward to going home.

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Now I know why my dad used to wake up at 4AM and just sit at the kitchen table for an hour.

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Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

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Not eating the cookie I’m craving. I better wake up skinny tomorrow.