I know it’s bad, and you’ve got to shut it down right away, but is there anything more hilarious than a swearing toddler?

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Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

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People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like.

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If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money, I’d become a professional nap taker.

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Being Leonardo DiCaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

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My bed wasn’t feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.

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Deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon).

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I’m going to hell in every religion.

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My mom asked me where I’m taking her to eat on Mother’s Day. I told her we have food at home.

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I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

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And once again my day begins without a red carpet! Guys, I’m really disappointed in you.