Adulthood is basically just trying to fall asleep at night and stay awake during the day.

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I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

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Heelys don’t have brakes because my swag rides forever.

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I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

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It sucks when you realize it’s only Thursday, until you realize it’s only Wednesday.

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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

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Well, maybe grass should touch me for once. How about that?

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I think God was high when he made me.

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An adult is a person that keeps Ibuprofen in more than one place.

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It may sound crazy but some of us are nice without hidden agendas.

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I want my house spotless, but kicking my kids out seems wrong.