Asking a film guy, “Who is that?” when Tom Cruise comes on screen just to feel something.

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Roses are red. Pizza sauce is too. I ordered a large. And none of it’s for you.

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I did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. WTF, people?

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What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?

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Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world. Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

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I’ve been following this strict diet all week and so far all I’ve lost is my patience.

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I like to live life dangerously by occasionally sticking my foot out over the edge of the bed at night.

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Being old is basically trying to figure out what part of the body the noise is coming from, and why.

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I’m the Usain Bolt of running late.

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Beer is like weed for people with jobs.

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Why is it called “free time” when I use it to spend all my money?