At this point of my celibacy, I can see the same colors as mantis shrimp. What do you know about blorange and gurple?

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My goal in life is to not have to commit seppuku.

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Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

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My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

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Good morning, dickhead, your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.

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My burning question is who thought a two day weekend would suffice the human body.

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How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

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Beer is like weed for people with jobs.

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As a kid, I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever. As an adult, I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.

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A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

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Country music is for men who need a little help crying.