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10,000+ funny quotes

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I like running because itโ€™s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, theyโ€™ll have to catch me.

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You can say “Have a nice day,” no problem, but saying “Enjoy the next 24 hours” sounds vaguely threatening.

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I can do a lot of things, but listening to someone chew is not one of them.

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There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.

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I’ve got a soft heart and a savage mouth. I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.

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I read all your bumper stickers and now weโ€™re both stupid.

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Please no requests for a threesome. If I want to disappoint two people at the same time, I’ll visit my parents.

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Scientists say humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for four months, so who’s really ahead.

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Remember the good old days when you didnโ€™t have to wonder if the person messaging you was a bot or not?

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Ainโ€™t no way thereโ€™s billions of us and nobody got superpowers.

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Bought a pair of night vision goggles so that I can easily find the fridge at night without waking my wife.

Bought a pair of night vision goggles so that I can easily find the fridge at night without waking my wife.

Commentary:
"Who needs a knight in shining armor when you've got night vision goggles to rescue the snacks! ๐Ÿ•ถ๏ธ๐ŸŒŒ #SnackRescueMission #StealthySnacking"



Welcome to Wordgag! ๐Ÿ˜‰โœŒ๏ธ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ฅ

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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฐ๐Ÿ‡ฟ has bookmarked:

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no.

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My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

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My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.

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Everybody hates me for being a beautiful angel with a perfect soul.

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Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

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If you want to complain about my driving at least calm down and get off my hood first.

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Itโ€™s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

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I donโ€™t need a New Yearโ€™s resolution, itโ€™s the yearโ€™s turn to be better.

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Never eat more than you can lift.

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Kissing while both wearing baseball caps is so hard. How do baseball players do it?