Bought a pair of night vision goggles so that I can easily find the fridge at night without waking my wife.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has bookmarked:

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no.

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My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

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My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.

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Everybody hates me for being a beautiful angel with a perfect soul.

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Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

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If you want to complain about my driving at least calm down and get off my hood first.

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It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

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I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

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Never eat more than you can lift.

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Kissing while both wearing baseball caps is so hard. How do baseball players do it?