Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

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Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

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All we needed to be happy in the 90s was music and cigarettes.

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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

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I was meant to be rich, I can tell by the way I spend money.

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If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror movie. You won’t feel like you are lonely any more.

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Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

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They should invent someone who holds me.

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One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

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My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

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“I should’ve peed before I left,” will be my epitaph.