Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Me: OMg.

70 shares on Reddit this month:

I trust an insult more than I do a compliment.

46 shares on Messenger this month:

Y’all liking my posts feels like a little forehead kiss.

57 shares on Telegram this month:

Traumatized people will navigate emergency situations with calm surety but then have an anxiety attack in a grocery store.

94 shares on Discord this month:

People always ask me “Do you believe in God?” and I say of course it’s important to have self-belief.

25 shares on Threads this month:

I need a job with a salary that’ll shock me every month.

77 shares on Threads this month:

Sex makes you happy. So I understand your dissatisfaction.

72 shares on Facebook this month:

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude, you aren’t the one paying for it. Stop!

91 shares on Instagram this month:

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1.

98 shares on LinkedIn this month:

If I was a star and you were a star, I would wink at you and blink at you and twinkle at you and the earthlings would call it science.

90 shares on Instagram this month:

I was telling my sister that I’ve been going to the gym recently, and my nephew said, “You should go inside when you get there,” and I don’t think I’ll ever recover from that.