Every job is either 8 hours of getting exposed to cancer-causing chemicals or 8 hours of staring at a Microsoft Excel sheet.

10 shares on Messenger this month:

I see from the back of your car that you have found Jesus, but not your turn signal.

28 shares on Twitch this month:

Co-worker: You look so unapproachable. Me: Yet, here you are.

28 shares on Messenger this month:

You need a twins name suggestion? How about Kate and DupliKate?

77 shares on Slack this month:

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

79 shares on Snapchat this month:

My plans for today? Same as always, drink coffee and be sexy.

32 shares on TikTok this month:

I think if you ask Kanye for a million at the right time, he’ll give it to you.

76 shares on Threads this month:

I hate small cars that disguise themselves as free parking spaces and drop their masks as soon as you pull up in front of them.

24 shares on Messenger this month:

I am like the weather. Temporarily friendly.

93 shares on Pinterest this month:

Fifteen years ago, makeup was all powders and dusts. But now, it’s all goo and liquid. From this, I can infer that by 2040, it will all be made of pigmented gases.

44 shares on Messenger this month:

I’m basically a taxi today for the kids and dogs.