Few things in life are as disappointing as having to poop right after a shower.

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May the hardest part of your day be getting the jeans over your butt.

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My theory is that women’s voices contain frequencies that men simply can’t hear.

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As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I got social media.

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My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon.

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Your girlfriend needs two hours to get ready. But if you don’t have your shoes on when she’s ready, you’re the problem.

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I’d pretend to care about football for you.

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You look like you take lavender bubble baths with rose petals, surrounded by candles, bro.

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Have you ever been in the car with someone who drives like we got extra lives?

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It’s so peaceful when you have no interest in other people’s business.

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All cars should have a rubber bumper all the way around so we can hit each other.