Fifteen years ago, makeup was all powders and dusts. But now, it’s all goo and liquid. From this, I can infer that by 2040, it will all be made of pigmented gases.

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If you’re looking for a wild woman, I just took all of my vitamins in one gulp.

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“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

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In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy. High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

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Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that?

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I identify as a weather forecast: Anything’s possible.

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It’s strange being the same age as old people.

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There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar.

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Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

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Boss: Why do I have to always come and find you? Me: Because a good employee is hard to find.

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I bet oiling and wrapping potatoes in aluminum foil feels so good for the potato.