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I’m really looking forward to eight hours of thinking about sleep tonight.

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Pouring Diet Coke directly into my gunshot wound.

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Putting a hot frying pan into a sink running with cold water makes me feel like a blacksmith.

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Yes, my sex drive is higher than my will to live, and what about it?

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Want to lose weight for the summer? Don’t worry, just check in your luggage at the airport. You’ll never see those pounds again.

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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

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Just worked out for 2 hours straight and 1 hour gay.

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My Wi-Fi is stronger than my will to socialize.

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Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention.

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What substance do I have to abuse to stop yearning?

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

501 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,094

Funny Quotes Topics

17,246

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15,094

Updated

Dec 22, 2025

Users Online

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Spreading quickly via Facebook:

Half the world is mentally ill. The other half is to blame.

Going bananas on Messenger:

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

Live now on Telegram:

Interesting people are my favorite endangered species.

Shared recently on Twitch:

Laundry has to be the most sinister chore. Always waiting, always lurking.

Just landed via TikTok:

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

Making waves on Instagram:

I make sure to post my political opinions after my selfies have gone viral to cull the herd.

Seen just now on X:

“Kiss From a Rose” makes you think Batman Forever is the most romantic movie ever made.

Freshly posted on Threads:

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples.

Trending via Twitch:

It’s all fun and games until your jeans don’t fit any more.

Making waves on Twitch:

The feminine urge to start a coven.

Home » Funny 5-year Quotes

Funny 5-year quotes

New funny 5-year quotes 👇

“What’s your 5-year plan?” I’ll probably go to the movies next week, I think.

0

1 month ago

5-year, 5-year plan, funny response, humor, i, movie, next, plan, procrastination, response, short-term, short-term plan, think, week

All funny 5-year quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

New Funny Quotes

🎲 Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

🎁🎅🎄 Christmas Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

15 shares on Pinterest this month:

I literally never want to be the bigger person again. We can both go to hell.

23 shares on Instagram this month:

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

48 shares on X this month:

The Scream movies were believable in the ’90s, but no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore.

77 shares on Facebook this month:

Do you think they’re called cough drops because when you cough really hard they drop out of your mouth onto the floor?

77 shares on Discord this month:

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

56 shares on LinkedIn this month:

They should invent a job that actually wants to hire you after you apply.

63 shares on Messenger this month:

Human hibernation should be a thing.

37 shares on Discord this month:

Setting up a camera to go and pretend you just woke up from bed is another level of mental illness.

100 shares on Facebook this month:

Just cleaned out my junk drawer if anyone needs a CD to reinstall Windows 95.

25 shares on Threads this month:

I still get so surprised every time someone I find attractive finds me attractive. Like, are you sure?

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇰🇪 has downloaded:

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has downloaded:

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has copied:

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has downloaded:

That uncle who kept his distance from the rest of the family will start making more sense to you as you get older.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has copied:

I still get so surprised every time someone I find attractive finds me attractive. Like, are you sure?

Someone from 🇹🇯 has shared:

Apparently, responding to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong. I know that now.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has copied:

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

Someone from 🇲🇽 has shared:

Drilling for oil is well boring.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has copied:

My cat smells like cigarettes again and I’m sick of his excuses.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has copied:

People should come with warning labels.

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Threads:

Today’s book recommendation: “The Art of Silence” by the famous Chinese philosopher Shut-Up.

Spotted on YouTube:

Establish dominance by asking your dentist if he’s flossing everyday.

Live now on Reddit:

That urge to nap between 3pm – 5pm is no joke.

Going viral on X:

The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.

Making waves on Telegram:

Boy, are you a piñata? Because I have an overwhelming urge to beat you with a stick.

Live now on Twitch:

I don’t have bad handwriting, I’m just using my own font.

Spotted on TikTok:

I don’t trust anyone who gets enraged over messed-up fast food orders.

Spreading quickly via Reddit:

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun.” Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano.

Shared recently on Threads:

Waiting patiently for the alien invasion.

Going bananas on WhatsApp:

When I was a kid, we still ate noodles. Then at some point we ate pasta. Today, we only eat carbs.

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Activity Log ✨

Funny 5-year quotes

New funny 5-year quotes 👇

“What’s your 5-year plan?” I’ll probably go to the movies next week, I think.

All funny 5-year quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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