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My diet plan is sometimes, when I’m eating chips, I drop some on the floor, and I don’t eat those ones.

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Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

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My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon.

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I donโ€™t know much, but I do know melancholia is a way cooler diagnosis than depression.

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I don’t just hold a grudge; I love it, pet it, feed it and take it for long walks on the beach.

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Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate.

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โ€œSeize the day!โ€ No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

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The golden rule of three beverages: one to hydrate, one to caffeinate, and one to celebrate.

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Update on my fitness journey: My wife just handed me a bag of apples at the market and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

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โ€œWell, this is no good. How do I turn it off?โ€ โ€“ The first primate to experience consciousness.

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Welcome to Wordgag! ๐Ÿ˜‰โœŒ๏ธ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ฅ

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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡ท has bookmarked:

Iโ€™m currently on a really effective diet called โ€œI only have twenty dollars until paydayโ€.

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Itโ€™s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

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A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

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How did they call Deadpoolโ€™s dog โ€˜Dogpoolโ€™ when โ€˜Deadpoodleโ€™ was right there?

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If you sit down to play a game of chess and your opponent punches you in the face, you’re not going to prevail by getting better at chess.

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Why are there people outside at the same time as me? It’s my turn.

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The females who donโ€™t go through phones will definitely find out through dreams.

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When life gives you lemons, take the lemons. They were a gift. Maybe life thought you liked lemons. Did you think about that? No, you’re always thinking about yourself.

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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen.

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In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real.

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