Funny something for nothing quotes

48 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Looking for someone to take to couples therapy and see how long it takes the therapist to notice we don’t know each other.

85 shares on Slack this month:

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away.

63 shares on Messenger this month:

I am so full of love and anger, like a lava lamp.

97 shares on Telegram this month:

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

61 shares on Facebook this month:

Which is it, brain? Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything?

95 shares on WhatsApp this month:

My dad once sneezed so hard that he set every clock back two hours.

30 shares on Facebook this month:

Websites need to realize that no one ever, ever wants the site to be able to send them notifications.

83 shares on Messenger this month:

Feels like if cicadas are allowed to just sit in a tree and scream, I should also be.

40 shares on Twitch this month:

Apparently, “spite” is not an appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

97 shares on Facebook this month:

You have one week to ask me to be your Valentine. Requests must be in the form of poetic verse written in your blood.