161 funny used quotes - Page 3 - Wordgag

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

May 24, 2026

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

May 24, 2026

Nobody says “boom shakalaka” like they used to.

May 24, 2026

I used to think money is everything. I still think money is everything.

May 24, 2026

We don’t make people walk the plank like we used to.

May 24, 2026

The word “ugly” cannot be used on women, I’m sorry. Women just can’t be ugly, that’s a boy thing.

May 24, 2026

I’m so embarrassed by the paragraphs I used to send expressing my feelings.

May 24, 2026

Black Friday used to have heart. I wanna see someone get clocked for a Wii.

May 24, 2026

God: “I used to work in mysterious ways but now I’m unemployed.”

May 24, 2026

In English we say: “You changed.” But in poetry we say: “You became a stranger wearing the face I used to love, and I am haunted by the ghost of who you were.”

May 24, 2026

Opening up to a woman is like talking to the police, anything you say can and will be used against you.

May 24, 2026

I’m just so lazy because I’m still recovering from the fact that I used to be the fastest sperm.

May 23, 2026

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water, until I read it backwards.

May 23, 2026

Happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths.

May 23, 2026

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

May 23, 2026

Back in the day, you used to have to listen to records backwards to discover conspiracy theories.

May 23, 2026

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

May 23, 2026

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken. So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream.

May 23, 2026

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

May 23, 2026

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet.

May 23, 2026

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning Wordle streak.

May 23, 2026

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too… when I was alive.

May 23, 2026

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

May 23, 2026

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day.

May 23, 2026

As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I got social media.

May 23, 2026

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

May 23, 2026May 23, 2026

I’ve been on Facebook for so long, I remember when it all used to be farmland.

May 23, 2026

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head.

May 22, 2026

I used to think adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong. Multiple crises. Concurrently. All at once. All the time. Forever.

May 22, 2026

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

May 22, 2026

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

May 22, 2026

Candy cigarettes really used to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

May 22, 2026

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

May 22, 2026

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh, fresh out the box.

May 22, 2026

There’s a reason you ain’t ever used your phone in a dream.

May 22, 2026

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse, but I went on a few dates and, honestly, I’m ready now.

May 22, 2026

I’m so old, I used to cry as a child because I fell off my skateboard or bike, not because I didn’t have wifi.

May 22, 2026

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

May 22, 2026

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

May 22, 2026

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

May 22, 2026