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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇲🇬 has downloaded:

Forget cheating, that’s young people’s shit. I’m ready to get married and have an affair.

Someone from 🇰🇮 has viewed:

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt!

Someone from 🇷🇼 has downloaded:

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has copied:

The prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has shared:

I don’t know much, but I do know melancholia is a way cooler diagnosis than depression.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has copied:

I’ll never be badass enough to walk around chewing on a toothpick.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has copied:

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has viewed:

I often got called “an old soul” and such like by adults when I was a child. I think this was a kind way of saying I was a sad little freak.

Someone from 🇵🇭 has copied:

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has bookmarked:

I’m surviving motherhood, one teenage meltdown at a time.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on TikTok:

Toothache and heartache comes from the same thing, which is something sweet.

Making waves on Snapchat:

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner, so I can order pizza.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m about to ruin her day with a bath.

Just landed via YouTube:

The introvert urge to leave a social event without saying goodbye to anyone.

Live now on Reddit:

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

Just landed via Telegram:

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

Live now on Messenger:

My back and I are definitely not the same age.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

Snaccident: eating a whole bag of Doritos in one sitting.

Just landed via Threads:

Me, aged 20: This is internship summer. I will get an internship. I will find a job. I will study. I will read. I will learn piano. I will… Me, nowadays: This summer, I’m going to try all of the ice cream flavors.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

Some people should have read-only access to the internet.

Getting accused of using AI when you didn’t is like this century’s version of a witch allegation.

3 weeks ago

Witty quote comparing false AI accusations to historic witch hunts, humorous and playful tone.

Download image ↓

Commentary:
"Witchcraft: Removed 'thou' broom, added 'thy' algorithm! 🧙‍♀️🤖🔥 #NotAWitchJustTechy"

accusation, AI, claim, era, false, false claim, getting, humor, misunderstanding, modern, modern era, suspicion, technology, trial, using, version, witch, witch trial

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54 shares on Reddit this month:

Apparently, stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people who are stressing you out.

70 shares on Snapchat this month:

Has anyone noticed what it’s beginning to look a lot like?

31 shares on Threads this month:

When life hands me lemons, I put them in the fridge next to the bagged salad I’m also not going to eat.

64 shares on Facebook this month:

Indiana Jones is a fantasy about being a professor with no admin duties.

93 shares on Threads this month:

That awkward moment when you’ve said “What?” three times, so you just say “Oh, yeah..” even though you have no idea what they said.

66 shares on X this month:

My southern family thinks my daily routine in NYC is that I wake up, try really hard not to get stabbed by a knife, and then I go see a musical.

46 shares on Messenger this month:

If I were a higher power, and people were doing evil in my name, I’d probably stop it … but that’s just me.

79 shares on Slack this month:

The real reason for global warming is that today’s young people are nowhere near as cool as we were back then.

61 shares on YouTube this month:

I love befriending yappers. They bring the yapping out of me. Then we yap together. Yapping is so much fun.

52 shares on Messenger this month:

My recliner and I go way back.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇲 has shared:

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has copied:

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling.

Someone from 🇰🇪 has downloaded:

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings? Mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has copied:

I don’t always whoop, but when I do, there it is.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has bookmarked:

Tell your dog I said woof woof.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has downloaded:

Accidentally wore a blue shirt to Walmart and now I’m in the stockroom showing Sue how to use the forklift.

Someone from 🇰🇭 has shared:

Everyone talks about climate change, but no one has the courage to sacrifice a virgin to appease the gods.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has copied:

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has viewed:

I was telling my sister that I’ve been going to the gym recently, and my nephew said, “You should go inside when you get there,” and I don’t think I’ll ever recover from that.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has downloaded:

This whole week could have been an email.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on WeChat:

How does spaghetti know that I’m wearing light-colored clothes?

Making waves on Discord:

The book characters may be fictional, but my emotional instability over them is real.

Spreading quickly via LinkedIn:

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier.

Seen just now on Messenger:

In the 80s, if you woke up feeling thirsty, you could drink some of your waterbed.

Live now on LinkedIn:

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!” Oh, it’s ok, you can just kill me next time.

Live now on Threads:

Sometimes a little rudeness to establish that you don’t fancy nonsense is really important.

Live now on YouTube:

If you’re in first class on a flight, sometimes they upgrade you to captain.

Going viral on TikTok:

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

Making waves on Pinterest:

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted.

Freshly posted on Telegram:

You know where I’d like to go? Missing.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Getting accused of using AI when you didn’t is like this century’s version of a witch allegation.

Liking someone romantically is actually just a humiliation ritual.

First time buying fireworks, and I wasn’t sure I’d picked the right ones until the salesman gave me a wink and high-foured me.

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun not to be able to open that drawer.

Shout out to the dude who flipped me off in traffic. Making me feel all nostalgic for California, thank you.

We’re all naughty, some just more than others.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Getting accused of using AI when you didn’t is like this century’s version of a witch allegation.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Liking someone romantically is actually just a humiliation ritual.

First time buying fireworks, and I wasn’t sure I’d picked the right ones until the salesman gave me a wink and high-foured me.

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun not to be able to open that drawer.

Shout out to the dude who flipped me off in traffic. Making me feel all nostalgic for California, thank you.

We’re all naughty, some just more than others.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨