Going to work has backfired on me so many times.

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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

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I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

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Hiccups became less popular. I never hear people hiccuping anymore. What’s going on there?

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I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

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When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until I’ve saved a million.”

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Ping me if your boobs glow in the dark.

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When I look at the world, I realize why Noah only took animals with him.

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There’s a guy who thinks he’s going to Yale, but it’s jail.

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I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

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If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.