He doesn’t realize it yet, but this Saturday, I’ll be asking him to untangle 400 feet of Christmas lights.

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Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa.

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I SAID YES!!!!!! after I asked myself if I wanted a breakfast burrito.

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Adult friendships are difficult. The people I get on best with never want to leave the house either.

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I can keep my mouth shut, but you can read the subtitles on my face.

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The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

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Why does everyone force introverts to leave their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut up for a while?

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Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

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When I was a kid, we still ate noodles. Then at some point we ate pasta. Today, we only eat carbs.

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Dear sleep, I’m sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back!

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I would like to unsubscribe from all responsibilities, please and thank you.