Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ’Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

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When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until I’ve saved a million.”

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Let’s just call ourselves divorced now and skip the stressful, expensive bit in the middle.

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Crashed my car reading a billboard that said, “Don’t text and drive.”

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Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

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I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

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The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

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“Santa isn’t real!” Okay, I literally just saw him at the mall.

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All this overthinking, and I still make the worst decisions.

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That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item.

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Instagram is literally just screenshots of Twitter.