I bought a robot vacuum today. Named it “Dustbin Bieber”.

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Just walked by an empath and his head exploded.

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Vaping: When you feel like smoking but don’t want to look cool.

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If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

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“Topless” doesn’t always mean breasts or a convertible. Sometimes it also means the brain.

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I want someone to care for me as much as Netflix cares if someone has logged into my account from another device.

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Just did my own taxes, I should be in jail by Friday.

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A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself. I wasn’t listening either.

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My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.

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The human body requires so much maintenance. Who designed this thing?